Letting Go of Anger: We Know We Need to, But How?
We’ve all heard the phrase “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
This is a wise sentiment, that can challenge us to let go of out anger and resentment, or at least question if that anger serves us or the relationship. However it can be quite challenging in practice.
I was recently having a conversation about the concepts of compassion, forgiveness, and leading with love. We were discussing the Christian and Buddhist beliefs about giving to others, selflessness, letting go, and attempting to approach anger with love. We acknowledged how hard it is to let go of anger in spite of knowing that holding onto it can impact our health overall. It can be so challenging to let go of that anger when we're feeling it so intensely.
I was reminded of the a Loving Kindness Meditation I had done that moring from Sharon Salzberg. In one part of the meditation, we're directed to think of someone that we're having a hard time with and give loving kindness to that person. In the meditation, she states, if you're having a hard time giving compassion to that person, then turn the compassion towards yourself because you are worthy of care. You are in need of compassion if you're feeling irritated, frustrated, and angered. That permission to allow ourselves to accept our anger, and feel compassion towards ourselves is a gift.
Sometimes I think in an attempt to “be the bigger person,” forgive, or take a loving approach to others, we sometimes skip a few steps. When we deny a very real injustice that we have expereinced, we dishonor ourselves. This can lead to a lack of empowerment, a decrease in confidence, and even self-blame or turning that anger inward. If we are not allowed to feel anger because our feelings have been invalidated, it’s not safe to express, or our belief system does not allow it, then it’s easy to gaslight ourselves into denying the reality of our true feelings, or to blame ourselves for feelings those feelings in the first place.
This week, when we're struggling with other people's decisions that we can't control or we're feeling stuck or angry or frustrated with others, instead of attempting to immediately shift our focus to forgiveness, being the bigger person, and attempting to be magnanimous in that situation, maybe try to:
Acknowledge the anger that you're feeling or the frustration that you're experiencing.
Take a breath, ground yourself and notice the feelings without judgment, without trying to will it away or give yourself a narrative about how you “should feel”
Give yourself compassion.
If you can acknowledge that you are worthy of comapssion because you are experiencing anger, an injustice, or uncomfortable feelings because of the actions of another, maybe you can find just a little bit of relief in your body and in your inner emotional world.
When we give compassion to ourselves first, it might even get a little bit easier to give that compassion back to others. So maybe the question isn't, “how do I give and be loving and kind when I'm angry at someone?” Maybe first it's, how can I be kind to myself when I'm angry with someone?”
See if that provides some relief, and remember, you are worthy of compassion and love, just because you exist, and especially when you are going through rhe hard stuff!
