Authenticity and Trauma: How Can we Stay True To Ourselves When it Feels Unsafe?

Have you every. found yourself not speaking up when you should, regretting not sharing, or even changing your mind later and realizing you weren’t tapped into what you truly want, feel, and believe?

A lack of authenticity can look like not sharing our views and opinions on things, changing the way we dress and present ourselves or even changing the way we behave in certain situations. It can also look like peer pressure, doing something that maybe you wouldn't normally do because the group is doing it.

These things seem like things we talk about with teenagers or younger people coming of age, but I think even as grown adults we modify ourselves and change ourselves in certain situations to be accepted for protection or to get by in the workplace or other professional situations or social settings.

Now, there are times when we need to put on a professional mask, when we need to make sure that we're behaving in a certain way in order to garner respect or show respect, in order to comply with and follow the rules that are constructed in our social professional environment.

There are also times when maybe we need to speak out or advocate or go against the grain to either protect ourselves or to protect someone else, and it can be challenging at times to do this. Trauma can impact our barometer of what is safe and not safe in terms of being courageous to go against the grain in a variety of ways.

If we grew up in a home where we weren't allowed to express our emotions or dissent, or express an opinion that differed from the status quo of our family culture, you might have learned at a young age that it was easier to placate rather than to “rock the boat” in a situation in which you were dependent on your caretakers for security, for food, and for emotional support.

This lack of safety is pervasive for those who have experineced trauma, and can spill out in social situations because we all, as humans, have an innate desire to belong. And so we might curtail our opinions or change them or even act or dress or behave in certain ways that aren't in alignment with who we are to avoid abandonment. While everyone does this to a certain extent, we call this politeness, or the ability to discern when to share adn when not to share, when to disclose, or when not to speak up. This is all part of the landscape of becoming a socially mature adult.

However, there are times when this desire ot value the relationship above our own voice can be incredibly harmful to us, because when we're repressing who we really are, we feel it in our bodies, and we can end up making decisions that don't align with us. This can get us into some really dangerous situations, or in life circumstances that don’t actually fit our desires, or in a situation in which we allow others to be hurt because we are too fearful to act or stand up for what is right.

Further, it might lead us to people and paths that make us miserable and don't serve our well-being, our meaning and purpose, and our authentic paths and what we're meant to be doing on Earth.

So the following blog shares with you some ways that we can start to overcome this by tapping into what our authentic self, and learn strategies for self-expression, so that we can express who we are to live in more congruent, authentic ways.

Can we acknowledge and give care to the traumatized person who learned people pleasing, not to trust their own voice, or that they needed to concede to others to keep resources etc?

Can we also work to be more deliberate in our communication, acknowledge that not everyone is unsafe?

Can we acknowledge our truth to ourselves even if we cannot acknowledge it to others? Can we honor our truth if it emerges in our bodies in a certain way?

Steps to be Becoming More Intentional about Authenticity:

1. Ask what am I feeling in my body about x,y,z?

2. How am I feeling?

3. How would I like to feel?

4. Can I take action that could help me achieve this, even if it is scary?

5. What can I do to boost my courage to take this step?

1. What am I feeling in my body: When we ask ourselves this question, it can clue us in to a trauma response or feelings of comfort and peace or discomfort. Tightness in our shoulders, a racing heart, a queezy stomach can all cluet us in to how we are truly feeling. If you have experienced trauma, or come from a home in which feelings were ignored or dismissed, you might not have practice identifying emotions quickly. Therefore, learning the cues of your body cna help you understand how you feel abotu a certain situation.

2. How am I feeling? Once we have tapped into our body, we can take some time to reflect on how we are feeling. If you struggle to know, journalling or talking through it with a friend, therapist, or trusted person in your life can help you gain clarity. Naming the feeling is the first step toward moving in a direction you desire.

3. How would I like to feel? Now that you understand how you feel about a situation, it’s time to ask yourself how you want to feel. In a situation that pertains to authenticity this might look like wanting to feel understood, seen, heard or know for who you truly are. Or it could be a moral situation in which you want to feel like you helped someone, stood up against injustice or exercised your voice.

4. Can I take action that could help me achieve this, even if it is scary? Now we can ask ourselves what the course of action could be. Again, journaling or asking a support person for help could help us brainstorm the appropriate steps to take. A list of pros and cons of acting and not acting could be helpful in this scenario as well. It is important to ask yourself if it is safe to proceed. Thinking through the situation objectively can help us got out of fight or flight in order to choose an option that we will feel comfortable with in the long term.

5. What can I do to boost my courage to take this step? Do you need a playlist that boosts your mood, an accountability partner, a deadline, or to revise and simply hit send? Thinking through the situation and coming up with a plan to take action can help you build confidence arounf these situations. With time it becomes easier to act and learn to use your authentic voice in a way that works for you.

By understanding trauma’s impact on our ability to live authentically, we can give ourselves compassion, and set goals to living more authentically in ways that are safe and serving us. By follwoign the steps above, we can access our unique attributes to contribute to a more authentic presence in our lives.