How to Accept Ourselves and Make Peace with Our Suffering
What if we could take the edge off of our suffering just by allowing it to exist? Do you ever notice that the more distressed we get, the more we resist the pain? Does it ever make it better, the denying, resisting, or rejection of it? The stuffing it down, the numbing, the unhealthy compensatory behaviors or the complaining? Or does all that just make it feel worse? Or temporarily soothe the pain but ultimately not solve the problem?
Whether it’s a heavy workload, stress and worry, or physical pain, there is typically something weighing us down. Yet, the process of learning to accept where we are today, making peace with our suffering, and offering ourselves compassion can be crucial to our well-being.
The question is: how DO this? How do we accept and acknowledge exactly where we are, without judgment or resistance?
Let’s walk through a process of self-acceptance and befriending our suffering, so we can better manage the emotional toll that life’s hardships take on us. This process is not about avoiding or suppressing our pain but learning to coexist with it.
1. Begin by Acknowledging What Is
The first step to acceptance is acknowledging what is currently present in your life. Take a moment to reflect on something that is challenging to you right now. It could be your workload, stress levels, a physical ailment, or emotional turmoil. Maybe you didn’t sleep well last night, or perhaps you’re grappling with a persistent health condition.
Sit with that thought AND the feelings. Don’t run from it, but don’t overly analyze it either. Let yourself feel the emotions tied to your current situation.
Are you frustrated that you’re juggling too much?
Do you feel underappreciated or undervalued?
Are you wondering, “Why me?” or “Why haven’t I earned peace yet?”
Or thinking “If only I had ______, then I’d be happy?”
These thoughts are part of the natural human experience. Often, we question our suffering, feeling as though it’s unjust or undeserved, and frankly it is unfair. No one deserves suffering, and yet no one can avoid it either. It’s tied up in our soul contract on earth, or in less spiritual terms, it’s part of the givens of exisitence.
But once we recognize the narrative we’re creating around our pain, we can start to shift our relationship with it.
2. Sorting Through the Noise
It’s easy to get lost in the emotions that accompany life’s hardships. Maybe you feel anger, jealousy, or even negative thoughts about yourself. But here’s the critical part: what if we paused for a moment to simply accept the negative events and feelings for a moment.
Try this:
Take some deep breaths and a moment to yourself
Feel it. Focus on the pain point without judging it, controlling it, or judging yourself. If you start to judge it it’s okay, just drift back to the pain point
Imagine packing all the frustration, sadness, and disappointment into a box—temporarily. This doesn’t mean you’re denying those feelings, but instead, you’re giving yourself a moment of space from them. By doing this, you can begin to see these emotions for what they are: temporary responses to a difficult situation.
Give yourself compassion the way you would give compassion to a friend. If someone else was going through what you are you would not blame them, judge them, or berate them. You would simply wish them peace, ease through their suffering, and wellness. Take a moment to wish this for yourself.
This separation allows us to recognize that our suffering is not who we are, but something we experience. It’s a part of life, not a reflection of our worth or character.
3. Detaching Suffering from Self-Worth
One of the hardest yet most transformative steps is learning to detach our suffering from our sense of self. Often, when we are struggling, we internalize it. We think, “If I’m struggling, I must be failing.” We tie our worth to our hardships and let those experiences shape our identity.
But what if we didn’t?
What if, instead, we saw our suffering as a part of life’s journey—a challenge that we carry, but one that doesn’t define us? Imagine carrying that metaphorical box of pain with you, but without letting it consume you. It’s there, yes, but it doesn’t dictate your worth, your decision-making, or who you are at your core.
By creating a space between yourself and your suffering, you can start to see it for what it is: a difficulty, not a permanent state or identity. This allows for the possibility of coexisting with hardship without letting it control you.
4. Befriending Our Suffering
This idea may sound counterintuitive. Why would anyone want to “befriend” their suffering? Yet, this concept can be a powerful tool in reframing our relationship with pain.
When we resist our suffering, it often becomes heavier. We pile on shame or guilt for feeling the way we do, and the emotional load grows. But when we approach it with curiosity and compassion, we can begin to lighten that burden.
Befriending your suffering doesn’t mean you’re okay with it—it means you’re learning to live with it in a way that doesn’t destroy you. It’s about making space for those uncomfortable feelings without being swallowed by them.
Imagine carrying your emotional or physical pain alongside you, knowing it’s part of your life but not the totality of it. This shift in mindset can help us better tolerate discomfort and offer ourselves the compassion we deserve during tough times.
5. When the Weight Feels Too Heavy
There may be times when no matter how hard you try, you can’t set your suffering aside. You might feel like the weight is too heavy, and no amount of visualization or mental reframing helps. In those moments, it’s important to recognize that it’s okay to not be okay.
If you’re unable to detach from your pain, that’s not a failure. It’s simply where you are right now. Instead of forcing yourself to push the feelings away, try practicing self-compassion, and get support from a friend, family member or therapist. Turn toward yourself with kindness and understanding.
Focus on sending warmth and care toward yourself, acknowledging that you are doing the best you can in this moment.
6. Practicing Self-Compassion Through Breath
If you find it difficult to offer yourself compassion, start with something small: your breath. When we’re in pain, we often hold our breath or breathe shallowly, increasing feelings of tension and stress.
Instead, take a few moments to engage in deep, mindful breathing. Inhale deeply, filling your lungs, and then exhale slowly, releasing tension with each breath. This simple act can help ground you in the present moment and remind you that you are alive, and your body is doing its best to support you, even during hardship.
As you breathe, silently offer yourself kind thoughts:
• “May I be kind to myself.”
• “May I be patient with my journey.”
• “May I find peace, even in difficult times.”
This practice may not solve your problems, but it can help you cultivate a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
7. Final Thoughts: The Path to Peace
Accepting where we are today, exactly as we are, is one of the most powerful gifts we can give ourselves. It’s a journey that involves recognizing our suffering, creating space between our pain and our self-worth, and offering ourselves compassion during difficult times.
This process isn’t about perfection or immediately feeling better. It’s about learning to live alongside our struggles, befriending them rather than resisting them, and understanding that even in our suffering, we are worthy of love and kindness.
In moments when life feels overwhelming, remember to breathe. Ground yourself in the present moment, offer yourself compassion, and recognize that your suffering does not define you. You are so much more than your pain, and by cultivating self-compassion, you can navigate life’s hardships with greater resilience and grace.
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